Adventures in Paper Shining

Sunday 24th of March 2013 3:17 am
You can't make paper shine. This fact has been driving me mad. I've probably gone through a small forest worth of printer paper trying this. No matter how much orange juice I pour on it, it won't shine like the sun. I've tried from concentrate, not from concentrate, no pulp, with pulp, high pulp. Nothing works.

Sunday 24th of March 5:42 pm
There is a soda called Sun Drop. I think that that may be just what I need. Capri Sun has a lot of flavors, it'll take me a while to try them all. NeuroSun looks really promising. It even has a picture of a head on it with a sun where the brain would be.

Monday 25th of March 2:02 pm
Jack flapping shit. I have now decided to think think outside of the (English) box and try some Sol beer. By this time the pool that is my office floor has become quite sudsy, tasting very sweet. But the paper still won't shine. Next idea: Dawn dish detergent. They must call it Dawn for a reason. And I may as well have the Domino's driver bring me some Sun laundry detergent while he's at it. It is amazing what those kids will do for money. Gratifying too.

Tuesday 26th of March 3:12 am
Still no shine. I have lost all faith in advertising. Why are these companies allowed to use the word "sun" in their products if they can't make something luminescent? Whatever happened to false advertising? Didn't we used to hang people for that?
All I seem to have accomplished is to make the pool even more sudsy. The suds now stand almost waist level. The Domino's driver is here somewhere. I fear he may have drowned while... never you mind what he was doing. The poor boy could be dead, is this really the time to pass judgement on him? My computer tower had to be moved because I have learned the hardest way that computers don't like soap (this was a much earlier experiment). Even if they're really dirty. I have one more trick up my sleeve. Cross your fingers. Or cross your heart. Whatever you do, cross your legs because your crotch smells like a dead dog baking on a hot Arizona highway in July. Extra maggots and a side of ralph.

Stardate 27th of March 9:51 pm
SUCCESS! Pure white phosporous, when added to the cocktail I've already accumulated, has done it. The paper shines like never before. Well, granted that it never shone before. But now I need sunglasses to even glance at it. Consequently, I've burned most of the skin off of my legs. A small price to pay for brilliance. Here is a photo of my achievement, I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.


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