What I've Learned About the Kardashians Simply From Looking at Tabloid Covers

You can learn a lot while standing in line at the supermarket. For instance, did you know that rubbing butter on your skull while sticking your big toe up your ass will result in absolutely nothing of value? Neither did I! And where does all this cool information come from? The tabloids, of course. Now, I've noticed that over the past year or so, there've been quite a few covers with these "Kardashian" ladies on them. I'd like to share a few things I've learned about them just from reading these covers:

The Kardashians are man-eaters: Every week there's a new story about how one of these girls has met the man of her dreams. And then the next week we find out that this supposed dream guy has been chopped into little pieces, salted, and then used as the main ingredient in a prize-winning souffle. I have no idea why the authorities let them get away with this. Such is fame, I suppose. Still, after all this publicity, if these guys keep falling for the Kardasians' charms, they kind of deserve what they get.

They are always pregnant: About every two weeks, the Secretary of State declares another Kardashian officially pregnant. Which is odd since there's only three of them. Well, after a quick Google search, I found out that they have an incredibly short gestation period. There are already 489 fully-functional Kardashian children, with another 43 in various states of disrepair. Also, to my amazement, I found out that I fathered two of them.

They do stuff (I assume): Judging by the amount of cover-space they're given, I can only assume that these ladies do something very important. Perhaps we elected them Queens? I don't remember this happening, but it could very well have taken place during my five-year cocaine blackout. I missed almost everything during that time, including the toilet. Eventually I had to kick the habit because I found that I missed the little things, like not stabbing someone through the head every weekend. Anyway, God bless these ladies. They seem to be doing well for themselves.