The Joy of Jorts!

Underneath the fancy suit, this man is wearing jorts

Spring is here and summer is on its way. Which is to say, we're almost ready for jort season! It's a joyous time when people are gay and carefree, and, if things work out right, show off just enough testicle to class up the joint. But Jort etiquette can be confusing for a first-time wearer, which is why the Mugwump Corporation is proud to present to you this short jort guide, which will keep you stylin' and profilin' all summer long:

1. One does not simply buy their jorts off the rack: Jorts start out as regular jeans and when they become worn out or hostile to the point where they need to be taught a lesson, they are cut with scissors around the knee area. Some upscale clothing places like Walmart and Target sell things that look deceptively like jorts. But don't be fooled. They were made with heartless machines in heartless factories. Jorts, by definition, are made with love and sweat. You don't buy jorts, you earn them.

2. Cutting your jeans too short will result in "dukes": The easiest way to figure out whether you're wearing jorts or dukes is to check for pockets. If the pockets hang out the legs, even a little, then they're dukes. Even if you're intentionally cutting your jeans duke-length, never cut them so that your ass cheeks hang out. This is gross. Do not be gross. We'll all go on just fine without having to see your taint hair.

3. Where to wear jorts: With the decline of 80's hair metal, jorts have unfortunately lost some of their former luster. Just remember that when you wear jorts, you bring the party with you. Liven up the mood by wearing them to funerals or donkey shows. Wearing them at seafood restaurants, however, is not recommended. Above all, remember, this is the 21st Century. Jorts aren't just for old men with thigh-high black socks on lawn mowing day or young fellas stuffing body parts into wood chippers. Go west, young man, and let your jort flag fly!