Saturday, November 26, 2011
Subway Wants You to be Melty. So Does the Mugwump Corporation
We warned you! Or we thought we had. Turns out that the entire Demi face melt thing was just the beginning. Just days after the Mugwump Corporation reported it, face melt has become trendy. We're hip, see! We must use our powers of influence wisely, though. We're considering next endorsing leopard skin underwear or penile explosions. Stay tuned.
Ahem. But this Subway Sandwiches "Be Melty" advertising campaign, I mean, you know what it's about, right? If you come in and your face is at least 50% melty, you get a free six inch sub. But say you have nearly 100% face melt? What if you have, say, eyes that droop down to your nutsack or your chin hangs past your knees? Well, in that case, you get a free foot long sub! Wowza!
But it gets even better. Everyone is entered into a drawing where they could win a trip to the "Big Game." But which one? Why the biggest of all, of course. One lucky winner will be sent to planet Laughotron IV, which, as you probably already know, is the most serious of the Laughing Planets. And why are you there? To take your front row seats to the Galactic Monkey Hypnotism Championships.
The idea is simple. You take a monkey. You hypnotize it. You make it do something amusing. Most amusing or humiliating act wins, of course. Last year, Harlot T. Visigoth was able to make a hypnotized monkey shoot soda pop out of his nose, catch it back into his mouth and then spit it into a basketball hoop. Nothing but net, ladies. Cruel? Unusual? Maybe. But hella fun too. Now get yer droopy faces off to Subway.