Nubile Tortoise Trampoline Striptease

source

You ever go to a party and someone gasps and then you look down and realize that you've completely forgotten to wear any pants or underwear? You definitely don't want this to happen, and especially not at your Granny's 100th birthday party, around fifty or so of her best friends at the retirement home. However, even worse is when they mistake your micropenis for an outie belly button and they poke it and go "boop!" and then give you a quarter.

That day, I left the place with over five hundred quarters.

What to do with that sudden windfall? Invest it, of course! And I found the perfect thing to put my money in: a trampoline tortoise! Not literally, of course, we wouldn't want the little guy to get all weighed down and not be able to bounce around anymore. No, we're putting this shit on YouTube. My friend Bobby, who found the little guy wandering around his back yard the other day, has agreed to let me share in the profits if I toss in some cash for the little guy's funeral. And he's so cute! He holds this little umbrella with his tail and he wears a tophat and says things like "Gee Whiz!" and "Motorboat my marmalade!" We figure he's bound to keel over and drop dead any moment now, and when it does we'll be the only people with exclusive video footage. Zoops! I figure we'll make about $364,843 in revenue, so I'll definitely make my money back. If not, it's back to the retirement home for a few more quarters!