First Week: Han Solo. Second Week: Meh, Everything Else, I Guess

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Welcome to my class, kids. You'll notice that the first thing listed on the syllabus is "Han Solo." This should be self-explanatory, but I'll elaborate a bit. We'll spend a few days on his hair, a few more on his bravery and a few more on wisecracks. I believe strongly that there's little about life that can't be learned by thoroughly studying Han Solo. Sure, Spinoza had a few good ideas, but could he teach Jabba how to get that weird stain out of his carpet, and look good while doing it? I didn't think so. Suck it, Spinoza.

Han Solo once impersonated my daughter just so he could look up at me with them little baby eyes of his and see if it couldn't make my heart melt. Well, melt my heart did, and right through my chest! After a while it congealed like ketchup and I wondered, gee, will I ever get asked to the prom like this? Would Goat-faced Martha ever look at me the same way again? Would it cause a scandal at the church? Would I ever be able to wear a Cosby Sweater in public again? These questions were all made irrelevant when Han Solo sucked my skin through a vacuum cleaner so that he could better see whether I had any guts. I was pretty as a peacock then, and I knew for sure that Hannah Saltmine would be keen on my taking her to the sock hop in January.

Did you know that Han Solo rides a giant falcon named Marky Mark and he controls it by reaching underneath the chest and yanking on either its right or left nipple, depending on which direction he wants to go? Han Solo uses a blaster because lightsabers are for hippies. When Han Solo found out that Luke Skywalker had kissed his own sister, he made up for it by kissing everyone's sister. Four years later, my sister is still smiling.

Even though nearly everything you need to know about life can be learned by studying Han Solo, we'll still look at a few other things, too. In the second week we'll cover the Greek philosophers, Elvis and modern plumbing. We'll also teach an alligator to hum samurai movie titles and watch plenty of Golden Girls episodes. Classes will conclude when we have destroyed everything anyone has ever held sacred and we transform ourselves into pure light that rides us all the way across the universe.

Students should pack a lunch.