Preparing to Bake Your Cat

Baking your cat can be tough. For one thing, they're wiggly little fuckers. For another, they're not really fans of being roasted alive in a hellfire. But there are a few things you can do to make the process a little easier, both on your cat and yourself. For one thing, if your cat is playing guitar in the living room, just walk up to him and give him a few scratches under the chin while saying, "Cool song, bro." Making your cat feel as if nothing's out of the ordinary is key. Also, it wouldn't hurt to shave all the hair off of your head and body. Sure, your cat might laugh at you, but summer's coming and it doesn't hurt to stay cool and avoid heatstroke.

The worst thing you can do is coddle your cat. Giving Dr. Fluffy some rubs before you bake him will only remind you of the good times the two of you had together, such as the first time you saw those big, sad kitty eyes looking up at you with a kind of peace and serenity that God gave all his innocent creatures. This will not make his inevitable, though tasty, death any easier. Instead, consider rubbing some seasonings on it. Also, you can say things like, "We sure had a good run, didn't we, partner?" or "Remember, only dogs go to hell." Then you just toss the thing in the oven.