I Contain Multitudes (And They're All Idiots)


You ever find yourself throwing crab apples at baby seals while you ride your unicycle through a zoo and wonder, “What the fuck am I doing with my life?” I don’t. That’s because I’m an idiot. Not only that, but I can also juggle horses, which has led to some seriously fucked up situations. For instance, the other day I was in my local park, juggling three horses, when a tribe of cannibals wandered by and started adding salt and pepper to my naked body. But why was I naked, you ask? Well, earlier I had a premonition that later in the day a tribe of cannibals might want to toss salt and pepper on me and then boil me into a stew. Being nothing if not considerate, I decided not to wear any clothes. I put down my horses and greeted the cannibals with enthusiasm. “Thanks for having me for dinner!” I said. “No one’s ever wanted to eat me before. The closest thing was when my dear mum mistook me for an alpaca and sheared me. My skin, once it was dried and tanned, made a surprisingly warm winter coat. I hope I can provide the same kind of warmth for your bellies.” The cannibals were so moved by my speech that they gave me their salt and pepper shakers and offered to let me season and eat them instead. So I salted and peppered all six of them, but to their surprise I picked all six of them up and started to juggle them. They just loved being tossed into the air again and again. They were so full of glee that I felt a little guilty when it came time to eat them.