From Now On, I’m Teaching Dentists To Juggle Puffins.

Yup, no more frivolity and tramping around for me. From here on out, I'm teaching dentists to juggle puffins. For too long now, puffins have been allowed to mull around street corners, wearing their leather jackets and greasing back their hair, and teasing homeless people with what look like gummy worms but turn out to be tapeworms that were painted various colors. No longer will they be allowed to blast their Mongolian throat singing at all hours of the night. Justice is finally here.

Like almost everyone, I've had my problems with puffins. I can't even recall the number of times I've been walking to the ankle polishing salon when one of them calls me a "mud wrestling surrealist dandy" or a "square-jawed thespian whose mother was a cantaloupe." The uncanny accuracy of their insults can hit a little too close to home.

Various methods of punishing puffins have been experimented with. Constantly hitting them over the head with soggy French bread did absolutely nothing. Putting them in heels and forcing them into being runway models only made them sassier. It took years of trial and error before the perfect punishment was found. Turns out that, like most people, puffins hate going to the dentist. So now, as a public service, all dentists are required to learn puffin juggling as part of their training. Like so many others, I'm happy to finally see justice being done.