Signs Your Houseplant Might Be A Communist


Yesterday I had a thought. This doesn't happen very often and I wasn't prepared. It overloaded my brain circuits. I fell on the floor and shit all over myself. When I stood up, the thought was still there. This surprised me so much that I fell over backward and hit my head. Now I think I'm a pair of high-heeled shoes.

Anyway, this was the thought I had: my houseplant must be some sort of communist. Ronald Regan would not approve. And neither do I. I mean, I feed the thing all the sunlight it needs and water it all the time. I even tickle its leaves and say, "Ooochie Boochies." But what has this houseplant has done in its life besides giving my wife that STD? (Mental note: check to see if this is actually possible.)

My houseplant just stands around in its spot by the window looking pretty. Oh. So. Pretty. I bet it doesn't even notice me when I walk by. What's up with that? How do you not notice a pair of high-heeled shoes walking on their own? I tell my houseplant that I'm in love with it and all I get in return is silence. (Mental note: maybe this isn't a bad thing. After all, it did give my wife an STD.)


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