The Spam Email Subject Line Artist

Why do you people insist on making fun of me just because I write those little Email subject lines that link to porno sites?  I don’t know what you think, but it’s not easy to come up with things like this:

“Bombastick Skrillex your moomas tits cute goth.”

Anybody can write a subject line that’s complete gibberish or offends people down to their very soul. Combining the two so perfectly that it stuns and beats the reader into complete submission, virtually forcing them to open the Email, is more of a fine art. You try writing something like this:

“Tantric training bra BBW Mormon housewife melty bubble bath.”

You get my point. And complain all you want, but this industry wouldn’t exist if there wasn’t a market for it. Oh, sure, it’s never YOU clicking on those links inside the Emails. So if you have a problem with what I do, go tell your elderly neighbor to stop, for God’s sake. You have to admit, he’s always looked a bit shifty, what with his handlebar mustache and fur coat. What’s that? It’s just your Aunt Melma? And she’s a nudist? Ouch.

Listen, this isn’t a career. It’s a calling. It’s kind of like poetry. Besides, it’s not like I’m going to do this forever. What I really want to do is write the titles for the actual porn videos the Emails link to. That’s where the legit work is. Will I ever be good enough? I don’t know, but I’ve been practicing. Here are a couple gems I’ve come up with so far:

“Black Studd Crashes Lead Pipe Into House Of Mirth.”

“Granny Aces First College Test, Receiving False Praise From Friends And Family. (Plus Fucking.)

Will I ever get hired? Probably not, but a boy can dream.