Prez Assures Nation His Second Term Will Be Just As Idiotic As The First

Jock Tannley, the Prez Hilton of ‘Merica, assured the people of Mugwumpville that they can expect him to be far more incompetent in his second term of office than he was during his first. And that’s saying a lot.

On election day, Prez Tannley narrowly defeated a meth-addict beaver, a hardboiled egg and a wet sock to win his second term as head janitor of the Mugwumpville preschool and the presidency of ‘Merica, a nation that exists solely in the imaginations of mentally-retarded acid freaks.

Tannley’s victory didn’t come easy. He might have lost the election if Flaggerty Bellbottoms, the pancake sculptor, hadn’t found a wet sock in some mud just outside his house and decided to nominate it for the office. The meth-addicted beaver had a small lead up to that point, but the sock effectively split the vote in Tannley’s favor.

This morning, after attending a public execution of the sock, Prez Tannley stood outside one of Mugwumpville’s finest clown colleges. He was totally nude except for a pink bow on his dangle. His hair was covered with raisins and his beard smeared with peanut butter. He read from a prepared statement.

“Ladies and germs,” he said as he adjusted the pink bow so as not to appear indecent, “these past four years you’ve come to expect very little from me. You probably figure that nothing in your lives will change, and if something does, it will be because my incompetence will fuck you up in ways you can’t even begin to imagine. Well, while my ideas may be a little unorthodox, they’re also terrible. Remember last year, when I had the streets unpaved and replaced with gummy bears? You thought I was a fool. That is until the flesh-eating ants arrived to eat the gummy bears. Then you knew I was a fool. But those ants did a lot to stimulate the economy! After all, funeral parlors were making a killing. Errr...so to speak....”

When asked why his hair was on fire, Prez Tannley said, “Bargledevoom!”