This year, only seventeen people have been shot, maimed, or decapitated in the presale line. Last year, during the presale for the sixth sequel, there was ten times as much violence. One man, a Mr. Wayne Hitchcock Presley, said that he was waiting a few weeks to see the movie even though last year he had one of his arms chewed off in the presale line.
“Yeah,” he said, “see, last time I didn’t mind having a bloody stump where my arm used to be. I was there on opening night to see the new Fuckman movie, and, by god, I made it. I still had one arm free to eat popcorn, though I was still spurting blood everywhere. But I figure we gots plenty of blood in our bodies and there’s only gonna be one Fuckman VII opening night, right? But, this year my wife said something that kinda made some sense. She told me, she says, ‘Wayne, you dumb bastard, the movie’s still gonna be in theaters for another five months after it opens.’ So, yeah, plus they’re saying the villian’s gonna be Pancake Boy. In the comics, the character comes off as a little stale, and very flat. If they done got to Pancake Boy already, I think they’s running out of ideas.”
|Three Penis Man is rumored to be the villain next year|
One Zaptastick resident, a Mr. Hay Seed, said that if the rumors were true, and the movie was simply “okay” or “not shitty,” he was prepared to riot. “I’ve got everything ready,” he said. “I’ve perfected my angry look, I’ve been lifting seven pound weights every day and I’ve spent months training myself not to shit myself and squeal like a schoolgirl at the first sight of a cop.”
But Mr. Seed might not have to worry about any cops. “As chief of police for this city, I’ve pledged to help the rioters in any way I can. If Fuckman isn’t a completely fantastic costume caper, I’ll put on my gear and help destroy the theater. And don’t think I won’t. Hell, I once gnawed a poor schlub’s arm off on presale day last year. What happened was he sneezed so hard it moved him a few paces out of line. I called that vacating his spot and told him to get to the end of the line. He refused and I had no choice but to use force.”
The Mugwump Corporation loves a good riot, so we’ll be there opening day. Not to cover the event, of course. We just freakin’ love a good riot.