Fallen Down? Put Some Ice on Yer Overstuffed Cantaloupes and Get Back in the Game!

I know you think you ain't got a jumping bean's chance in hell of making it in this world. Well, you're right, of course. But some people are able to drag themselves up from poverty. Again, not you, but there have been at least 13 inspiring rags to riches stories in the 1,000-year history of Mugwumpville.

So don't give up. If you invent something but it doesn't make any money, remember that personal pride counts for something, too. Sure, it won't put food on the table, but you're looking a little fat anyway. So what if someone else is making all the dough? You had an idea. You've done something with your life.

Dismissal Octagon, true patriot and businessman about town, once stole a great idea from a Mugwumpville man named Theodore Doorstraps. Mr. Doorstraps had invented an ass scratcher that scratched your ass as you walked. It worked by a series of pulleys that were attached to a pair of suspenders. Wonderful device. But Mr. Doorstraps was simply too poor to market his great invention. So Octagon bough the device for a piece of stale birthday cake and a tank of gas. Mr. Octagon has since gone on to make 23 zillion dollars off the product and almost everyone agrees that he's a genius.

If your ass feels like this, it might be time to invest in Octagon's invention

By all accounts, it seemed like everyone involved was happy with the way things turned out. But recently, Theodore Doorstraps visited Dismissal Octagon at his 34,596-room estate just outside Mugwumpville to beg for a few dollars to feed his "starving family." For his rudeness, Doorstraps was promptly put in prison. He will face a firing squad in three weeks.


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