Occupy Asparagus (Guest Post by A. Jarrell Hayes)
Science has recently proved what we Twenty Percenters have known all along: asparagus makes everybody’s urine into a foul(er) smelling stream, but only 20% of the human population have the necessary olfactory receptors to detect it. We, the Twenty Percenter, are members of the populous oppressed by the much larger 80%--the ones who have no clue how putrid their consumption of asparagus makes their urine.
We, the Twenty Percenters, will suffer this egregious affront no longer. Not without a fight. We refuse to be held hostages in our own country, having to wear gasmasks to enter bathrooms after someone who has eaten asparagus has used them. We demand liberation from the 80%, and we are willing to employ revolutionary tactics to achieve this goal.
|Fuck everything about these bastards|
We, the Twenty Percenters, have spearheaded the “Occupy Asparagus” campaign. In grocery stores, both large chains and mom-and-pop shops, we shall continue to occupy the space in front of the asparagus section in the produce aisle. We will continue to block shoppers from purchasing the offensive plant; we will continue to distribute leaflets and pamphlets outlining our reasoning behind Occupy Asparagus. We will continue to stand behind the registers and shout “Price check!” whenever the cashier rings up asparagus.
We, the Twenty Percenters, have future plans to take our message to asparagus farmers who profit at our expense. We will explain to them why they are pawns of the 80%; how their labor and product are exploited. We will introduce them to alternative plants to asparagus, such as green beans and Brussels sprouts.
We are united in solidarity. We shall not be moved.