Man Thought to be Antichrist Actually Just Kind Of Depressed.
|via carabella sands|
Residents of Mudflaps, Mississippi, have confirmed that, despite what it looked like, Mr. Telltale Claptrap is not actually the Antichrist.
Mrs. Meddlin Matilda first suspected that Mr. Claptrap was the Prince of Doom and the Harbinger of Satan after she walked by his shack and noticed that he was sitting on his porch, crying like a baby. She was "absolutely shocked. A man showing that kind of emotion in public. Mr. Claptrap is the manliest sheep fucker this town has ever known. My husband and I once saw him out there on the gun range with a petite damsel underneath each arm, shooting a target with one hand and chopping down a tree with the other. Looking at him just sitting on his porch letting all his emotions out like some sort of pussy or homosexual gave me a really bad feeling in my pork-gut. Who was this man I thought I knew? What was he hiding?"
Claptrap's best friend, Frakie Ratwhistle, had a similar reaction: "Me and 'ol Claptrap, we used to runs this town. We had our greased-back hair, our greasy back hair and our greasy back-theres, just a walking to the pharmacy to get us a couple Cokes and a shave, snapping our fingers and singin' tunes from Broadway musicals. And here he was, out in public, making a spectacle of himself. Just being a real bitch, see. And, oh yeah, legalize slavery."
Frankie and Matilda rustled up over a hundred town folk at the Church of Christian Christ Jesus of the Revelation of Doctor John. It was decided that Telltale Claptrap had to be destroyed at once. The townspeople left the church and stopped by Jeb Tillerman's House of Pitchforks and Bait to pick up some supplies. They were all gathered in Claptrap's front yard when he called for Ratwhistle, begging to talk. Ratwhistle agreed to hear Claptrap out, on the off chance that there might have actually been some sort of misunderstanding.
"Well," Ratwhistle said, "Turns out he was sad over the death of his pet bunny, Fluffy Cucumbercakes, who had up and died in his sleep the other night. I still thought he was a sissy for crying and carrying on, but I finally had to admit that there was a good chance he wasn't actually one of Satan's disciples. Which was too bad. We were kinda lookin' forward to pokin' at him until he died."
No word yet on whether Mr. Claptrap has bought a replacement bunny rabbit. We will make sure to update our readers with any new developments.