From Where This Fatty's Sitting, America's Next Top Model is Pretty Fucked Up.

She's fucking HUGE!

The other night, my wife was watching America's Next Top Model.  I  noticed that there was a model on the show who didn't look like she had been living on a diet of rice cakes and water for the past seven years. Daddy like.  I said, "Wow, I'm glad they're not just featuring ultra-skinny women anymore."  "Pat," my wife said, "that's a plus-size model."

Whaaaa?  I've known some large people in my time, even before I expanded to my now-legendary girth.  And that woman on America's Next Top Model was nowhere near "plus".

Here's what I want to do: I want to make a movie that includes maybe four or five main characters who are anywhere from a little chubby to morbidly obese.  Maybe one of them even has to carry all his girth around on one of them little scooter things with the basket in front.  But the movie ain't gonna be about being fat.  Just this once, it'll be a regular ol' movie, maybe a rom-com or a buddy cop flick.  But the characters just happen to be overweight.  They're not the sassy sidekick who constantly complains about being hungry.  They won't be the comic relief and they won't be there just to gross people out.  They'll just straight-up get on with their lives, doing whatever it is they do.  They'll just have a few health issues that happen to manifest themselves externally.

Viewers wouldn't know what to do.  There would be madness in the streets.  Little old ladies would shoot their pistols from rooftops, professional wrestlers would practice finger puppetry, wig salesmen would harvest their own back hair.  That kind of thing.  You get the idea.

Hmmm.....I think I'll get started on that screenplay right now.