Catch the Fever
The 2012 Olympics will begin in London during late July this summer and it seems the whole world is catching Olympic Fever. Along with the standard line up of events, this year marks the beginning of many surprising new competitions. The governing body of the Alternative Expressions of Love Foundation will be introducing extreme fucking, complete with events in areas such as ass fisting, Sybian races, deep throating, long distance cumshots, competitive masturbation, anal pole vaulting, genital mastication, marathon fucking and cum chugging, to name a few. In the true spirit of the games, all events are open to both men and women, with the exception of the menses category. Many events require multiple partners.
This addition is drawing the ire from many on different sides of the table. Fred Phelps, of Westboro Baptist Church fame, has already rallied his courageous followers with the chant, “God Hates the Olympics!” Serrif Howell of the Olympic Preservation Committee got his panties in a bunch when he heard the news and threatened to pull funding. Porn superstar Dawn Swallows calls it a “whoring of pornography.”
We were lucky enough to get a few words with Alternative Expressions of Love Foundation founder Jack Wangstrom.
MC: What drove you to bring extreme fucking to the Olympics?
JW: Ahh, you know, it’s like chasin’ a greased pig round and it’s so warm and slippery, just like a wet pussy, you ever notice dat? How can dat be a coincidence dat dat same swine dat give me pig milk can feel so sensual and arousing? Dat pig’s parents deserve my gratitude for creatin’ the perfect specimen. Dey de Adam and Eve and God of my apple gardens. You know what I mean?
MC: I’m not sure I follow. Greased up with what?
JW: Bacon grease!
MC: Of course. I misunderstood. Have you met with much opposition to these new events? Possibly from conservative or religious groups?
JW: Tig ol’ bitties. Some people can’t swallow as much as dem big ‘uns. It’s okay. Dey can’t run as fast as me but we all gettin’ laid.
MC: How do you feel about the media ignoring these new events? It’s been said they may not even get any coverage.
JW: Guys, don’t jack off with Icy Hot. It burns like hell and dere ain’t no way to make it stop. Washin’ it off with water makes it worse. And you ladies make sure you wash your hands real good after handlin’ hot peppers.
MC: Can you leave us with a few words on the primeval beauty of the anus?
JW: Certainly. Despite all those who say there is no God, no supreme being guiding all this, I point out that which is more pure, more holy, more sacred than anything else this side of the cosmic Mississippi; the anus. Look how it diligently stays stretched across that opening which is both attractive and repulsive, making sure the seal is tight, puckering in its efforts as though asking the world for a kiss. It is both form and function, leaving nothing wanting in either regard, though perhaps leaving one’s loins lingering on the illegally glimpsed elegance. The promise and potential of the tightest nerve cluster, when her body has already surrendered to me, my resolve melts. I become a fool to the passion that sweet mysterious hole arouses in me. It is for this hole that civilization and all mankind’s accomplishments have been built. The anus is to thank and to blame for it all.