Christopher Hitchens Dies, Goes to Heathen's Heaven, Has to Answer Three Ridiculous Questions
To his great surprise, his soul left his body and he found himself in heaven. Heathen Heaven, of course, but heaven nonetheless. But, like all souls, before he was allowed to either enter the planet Laughotron as a fully irrationalized being, or reincarnated on Earth, Hitchens had to face Texas Jeevus, Judge of all Souls, and Asker of the Three Silly Questions. How did Hitchens do? Here's what Jeevus had to say about the matter:
"Yeah, well, ya know, mutha fucka, never seen someone so shocked to stand in the middle of my Royal Football Stadium, facing my Toilet Throne. Never seen such shock. A-thee-ist? Whazzat? And dang if that didn't use up one of my questions and he done got the answer right too. Gotta quit askin' questions out loud. No matter, though, gots two more. So I aims to make the next two count. I says, 'Do you accept Captain Crunch as yer Lord and Tablecloth?' And the man looks at me and says somethin' 'bout proof and I says, poof on that, wrong answer. We gots a two an' two tie. So I moves on to the third question. I says, 'Does you fuck the goat or does the goat fuck you?' Then he says somethin' 'bout a 'dignified answer' and I wins the game again! Now he done got sent back to Earth to be reincarnated as a yak or the next George Bernard Shaw er somethin'. Haven't quite decided yet."