Man in "Life is Good" T-Shirt Tells Poor People to "Just Fucking Smile More"
|via goodloe byron|
Mr. Vivian Suction, a dapper young man in his late twenties, stood outside the Mugwump Village KFC finishing off the last drumstick in his Lardo Bucket when a family of four ill-kempt proletariats approached. The mother and father looked tired and sullen, while the two rotund young boys beside them smacked their lips in anticipation of the forthcoming meal. But before they could walk into the fast food restaurant, Suction blocked the door. He had something to say:
"Why ya'll look so sad what with yer moping, waddling frames? Don't you know life is good? Why, just lookie my shirt. It says the exact same thing and so it must be true, no? Dig, the sun's shining on my tail and I'm happy. You know a little smile, just a small one, can brighten your day, even the worst one. Whatzzat? You've been out of work? Yer just eating here because a friend loaned you a bit of money? Ya'll haven't eaten for days? Gee, I mean, that's terrible and everything, but, you know, there's plenty of jobs out there for you Proles. Hell, pick up an application while yer inside this fine eatery, finger fucking those mashed taters. Look, it's not like I don't understand what you're going through. When I was starting out, my father's multinational corporation was very small. But lookie me now! I'm managing the local branch, and my father says that if I do reals good, I might one day be a regional manager! Look, I'm even willing to give you a hand up. I run what you might call an, uh, underground gambling establishment in a warehouse uptown. Just about every morning the place is completely fucked. You know how it is. Vomit and piss and shit smeared all over the walls; sometimes they even look like Egyptian hieroglyphs. Well, as you can imagine, we've gone through quite a few of ya'll Proles trying to clean the place up in the morning. All I've gotten is lazy fuckers so far who complain about 'Satan's muck' and other suck silliness. If you're willing to work hard--whazzat? What's that you say 'bout human dignity? Sir, in this world you earns yer dignity. I used to be like you. I know how it is. When I was in college, my Dad made me get a job stocking shelves at the Devil's Mart. I spent an entire semester working in that hellhole part-time on the weekends! I WORKED HAAAAARD TO GETS WHERE I IS!! MY COCK THROBS WHEN I THINK ABOUT HOW ABSOLUTELY HARD I WORKED!!!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND HARD WORK? DOES YA UNDERSTAND THE VALUE OF A DOLLA? I WORKED HARD TO GETS WHERE I IS!!! NOW SMILE, FUCKERS. LIFE IS GODDAMN BEAUTIFUL!!!!"
At that very moment, the clouds parted and Vivian Suction ascended to heaven. He had finally earned his wings.