Dead Celebrities are Cool!
A bunch of celebrities have been overdosing lately. This makes us here at the Mugwump Corporation extremely happy. Our readership spikes when we report on these things, presumably because people desperately want to feel morally superior. We were overjoyed when we found out that Digsby Walrusblubber, the internationally famous singer known for hits like "Bubbles are Fun," "You Remind me of a Butt Plug," and "I Baked a Pie for Jesus" died in his sleep last night. He went fairly quietly into the abyss, choking on his vomit and having violent seizures while thirteen drag queens kicked him in the ribs.
Few people know that Digsby's true passions were building model trains and collecting chef salads. But, you know, he had that rockstar image to maintain, so he mostly engaged in unprotected sex with groupies and sucked massive amounts of drugs up his nose. He died a little inside every time he had to yell at his tour manager for allowing the wrong kind of jelly bean in his dressing room. But it couldn't be helped. It was all part of the job.
This reporter has always been a fan of Walrusblubber's music. That's why I was incredibly excited when he finally granted my request for an interview three months ago. He had just played a big concert in Chicago and invited me to his hotel room. I was naked and lying on the floor and Digsby was trying his best to squeeze out a stinky loaf onto my chest while I touched myself and sang the My Little Pony theme song. He was so sweet and gentle to me that night.
While Mr. Walrusblubber will be missed, the Mugwump Corporation hopes to see many more reckless celebrity deaths this year. We're saving up for a skateboard and an excellent birthday party. We could use the readers.