A Newt Point

    Newt Gingrich's second ex-wife Marianne appeared on ABC's Nightline Thursday evening, giving viewers an earful of what she considered some of his more notable character flaws. Among them is the fact that he asked her for an open marriage while cheating on her with the woman who is current wife. The affair was going on while he was heading a committee to impeach Clinton for his affair with Lewinsky. He finally asked for a divorce two days before giving a speech about family values and the need for God in the lives of American families. That certainly seems hypocritical to us here at Mugwump Corporation. (Not mentioned in the interview is the fact that he left his first wife in 1980, after finding out she had cancer. He had these words to say about her: "She's not young enough or pretty enough to be the wife of the President. And besides, she has cancer." Harsh.)

    Later his daughters appeared and set everyone's minds at ease. They said it had happened so long ago, it was history. Newt has, according to them, gotten right with God. So there is no reason to worry about it. Newt himself, when asked about the issues at a Republican candidential debate, denied the allegations and said that mentioning his ex-wife was "despicable." He even spent more time attacking CNN for allowing that question than he did answering it, surely to show how invalid the point is. I'm sure glad they cleared that up, I was about to change my mind and NOT vote for him.

    All this comes just days after Newt commits a felony and admits he'll break the law again as president. He says that the Supreme Court is fallible and he, as president, will ignore any decision he disagrees with. Being a supposed pro-lifer, Roe v. Wade comes to mind. The felony he committed entailed offering Sarah Palin a presidentially appointed position in his cabinet if she helped him win the South Carolina primary. That directly violates this law. It seems that he could be charged with this, his candidacy could be ruined and he could face up to two years in prison. But what are the odds that he will face justice?

    Very slim. Newt’s ability to evade legal prosecution stems from a deal he made with Satan back in the early 1980s, according to eyewitness reports. As he danced nude in a grove of willow trees under a new moon, he was heard chanting the true name of the dark lord for an hour before being spotted converting a litter of puppies to atheism while slathering himself in lamb’s blood. Each month he must make some sort of offering to the dark lord, lest he lose his powers. These offerings have taken the forms of dotcom stock, crippled children, Haiti, the souls of at least two of his wives, even a live gargoyle. He is not the first presidential candidate to have made a similar deal.

    It’s clear that this sociopathic egomaniac has been using his wives merely as figureheads for the public, someone to draw suspicion away from his life of debauchery and pedophilia. These issues will be addressed in a future article.