Instead of Facebook Stock, I Bought 436,432 New Underwears

Yeah, I hear ya. You spent way too much money on that Facebook IPO because you've convinced yourself that not only will they be around forever, they're in a pretty good position to take over the world. I mean, Mark Zuckerberg is halfway toward being declared the planet's Lord and Savior. You figure that the world ain't gonna end with a bang, but with billions of things to "like." Well, I think that's stupid. Mark my words, in five years, my purchase of hundreds of thousands of pair of underwear won't seem like a dumb investment anymore.

Call me a pessimist, but I think that pretty soon we'll all be living  in a kind of Mad Max world where we wear masks made of human skin and roam the country in motorcycle gangs looking for the last remaining drops of gasoline so that we can travel to the next quiet Western town, which we'll proceed to cannibalize and pillage. Ah, yes, but a boy can dream.

Anyway, what's going to be more valuable, your stupid Facebook stock or comfortable cotton undies? Exactly. When the motorcycle gang's leader wants our thumbs so that they can use them as butt plugs, I'll be able to offer the sweet security that comes with having snug testicles, all snug and tight. Don't worry sport, it ain't gonna be that bad. Skin gets pretty cumbersome in the summertime anyway.

However, it must be said that underwear
doesn't improve everything...(source)